Mirasol Grace: July 2016

Monday, July 25, 2016

Late Night Thoughts | This Was What My Mind Has Always Said

This one was written when I was in my Freshmen year.
It is sad that I have been tormented by the pain that I caused to someone else.
Believe me, it hurt me as much as it hurt you.

So, here it goes...

11:11PM | Sa mga ganitong oras…

Marami nang napasok sa isipan ko,
Pero may isang bagay na talagang ayaw akong palayain.
Gabi-gabi, hindi ako nilulubayan ng taong nasa loob ng isip ko.
Laging pinamumuka sakin lahat ng masamang bagay na nagawa ko;
Lalo na sa isang partikular na tao.

Sabi ng utak ko:

“Baka kaya walang magmahal sayo ng tapat –
Baka dahil sinaktan mo na kasi ng sobra
ang nag iisang taong pwedeng magmahal sayo ng totoo.”

Sabi ng utak ko,
Wag na daw akong umasa;
Wala na raw talagang magmamahal,
at tatanggap sa kung sino o ano talaga ako.
Kahit ano pa daw ang gawin ko:
magpaganda, magpatalino, magpakabait,
magpakaplastik o magpakayaman…
Wala na raw.
Tapos na ang laban.
Pinatalo ko na raw.

Wag na akong umasa.
Hindi na ako karapat dapat mahalin,
at wala ng magtiya-tiyaga sakin.

Dear Virtual Diary | Paranoia

This is another re-blog from my old Tumblr 2013 post.

Here it goes...

(n) This is a thought process believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs, or beliefs of conspiracy concerning a perceived threat towards oneself.

I am really paranoid.

Hindi ako maka-get over sa nagawa kong kapalpakan.

Lagi itong pumapasok sa aking isipan,

at malauna'y parang kumokontrol na sa aking pagkatao.

Mahirap;

Minsan napapasigaw na lang ako,

O napapa-aray.

Oh diba? Loka loka na;

Siguro, marahil lamang ito sa kapaguran at pressure –

Syempre fourth year na ako at director pa paminsan-minsan.

Ang hirap nga e –

Mahirap mag magaling kapag hindi ka naman magaling;

Mahirap ipakita sa kanila kung ano ang meron ka dahil wala naman talaga;

Minsan nga naiisip ko:

kung tigilan ko na lang kaya ito?

Kung magbago na lang kaya ako?

Yung pag-mulat ko, iba na ako:

Tahimik, di na nag-rerecite at wala nang imik.

Akala kasi nila masaya lagi si Paula:

walang problema, puro tawa,

at ngiti lang pero mahirap pala.

Mahirap panatilihing ngiti lamang ang laman ng mukha.

Mahirap maging ako.

Pero naiisip ko minsan, hindi naman siguro.

Nasa isip ko lang lahat ng mga ito.

Matatapos din ito.

Sana nga tama ang sinasabi ng utak ko.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Late Night Thoughts: Irony

Photo from Tumblr

Note: This is only a re-blog from my Tumblr post on 2013.

Why am I so stupid? There are people who are willing to risk everything for me, to face their fears for me, to do silly things for me and to do what they don’t want to do just for me to be happy. But. But what is the reason why did I never choose from these wonderful people? Why do I always look after to someone who never looked at me?

There’s this guy who have been waiting since our elementary times. He is a handsome, rich and good guy who have always been a fan of Death Note like me. He became so firm for the past five years (I know that we were too young when he started falling in love with me) but that was the truth. He was there when I needed him. When I needed someone to cry on because of another guy, he was still present even though it was so obvious that he was being jealous. He always gave what I wanted to have; food, books and collections but those things never change what I really feel. The truth is:I DON’T AFFORD TO LOSE HIM BUT I DON’T WANT TO HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. I JUST WANT HIM TO MY BESTEST BEST FRIEND.

There is this another guy who have been waiting for me too. He’s a good-looking, God-fearing and smart guy. I met him in a not-so-common place, in a sari-sari store. We became close because we share the same religious belief. At first, I never really liked him because the one that I had a crush on was his younger brother. Day passed, we were actually being so close that made me fall to him (but it was just an infatuation). I always think that the person who will have his heart is so fortunate but I never thought that I will be that person. He was so caring and understanding as a special friend. Only as friends. I never wanted to hurt him because he was the luck that I had whenever I have my trials. But staying by his side would be selfishness and leaving him would be fair. To be honest, I always feel some kind of guilt whenever I am with him. I always think that I’m the reason why he’s sad, why he broke up with his girl friend and why he stays up late just to do my works. I really feel sorry.

The truth is that...

I AM SO CONFUSED. I DON’T KNOW IF THIS IS LOVE OR JUST AN INFATUATION. HENCE, I AM SETTING HIM FREE. I DON’T WANT HIM TO WAIT BECAUSE IT JUST GIVES ME BURDEN AND PAIN. IF THIS WAS REALLY LOVE, IT WOULD BE STILL OK.

Now, I am liking someone else who never deserved my love. It really gives me pain, seeing them hurt. I feel that I don’t have the rights to fall in love because there are people who’s waiting for me.
I am really sorry! So from here, I am declaring that the waits are no more recognized.

ANGUISH.

DOLEFULNESS.

SORRY.

[still writing...]

Dear Virtual Diary | When I Auditioned On PBB

R to L: Em, Caloy, Donita, Ariane, Carla and Me

I decided to shut down my Tumblr blog since I tried to sign in but I couldn't - probably because it has been awhile since I visited or used it. So now, it will only be full of photos shared from my Instagram account (@pgraceperez) and tweets from my twitter account (@pgraceperez). Also, It is because I wanted to focus more on my virtual diary and on my literature blog. However, I am totally a sucker for memorabilia, and I think this experience is worth-remembering. So, I thought why not re-blogging it here, along with those memories that I posted on my Tumblr.

It is really embarrassing to read the Tumblr post that I wrote about this. Like I really tried to be a blogger that time, but the words and the thoughts that I was using was really not good. LOL. I just put the names and what basically happened to them; it is really simple and unattractive, but to be fair, it made sense now why I wrote with that style. Now, I still can recall those people and their roles to me in that day.

FUN FACT: and that is my purpose of blogging and vlogging - to be able to remember what happened to me after years and years.

1/3 Of The Bestest Friends

A Nap On The Streets

As we all know, almost every Filipino dreams to be in Pinoy Big Brother, and be one of Kuya's housemates – not only because you will be an instant celebrity, but also because your story will be shared nationwide, or even worldwide.

Back then, I was only a fifteen-year-old girl who just dreamt to share my story to the world, hoping it might inspire people to live their lives to the fullest, and show how great my God is. Being a celebrity was just a bonus (but lowkey, my dad has always wanted me to be one LOL); thus, I really thought this reality show was one of the best platform.

The PBB Audition Story

Like mostly of the auditionees, we heard about it through a TV Commercial. Ate Ariane, the girlfriend of my brother, Fernan, saw it first, and was immediately persuaded to joined. Since the mechanics was to partner oneself with a minor or with a young adult, she asked me if I could join with her, and duuuuuh who wouldn't want to?

So, we prepped everything for it.

Layout By Yours Truly

I made a matching shirt (look how jejemon it was LOL), and I lowkey thought it was creative and cool since I designed it on Picnik only. Also, I went to a parlor shop to fix my hair, and bought some stuff that I thought I needed.

My Pappa went to accompany us because we had no idea on how we will go to the audition venue which was the Mall of Asia. Ate Ariane cooked and brought one of my favorite-st cuisine, and it is her white adobo that definitely calmed my nerves. Really, sobrang sarap!!!

By 3AM we left Laguna because we thought it would be more convenient to go there "early".

When we got there four hours before the call time, we really thought there would be no people yet on queue, or probably just a small number... but for our surprise, there are already like 300 people already waiting in line. So, we went to the last line and waited. After some minutes, wow a stampede occurred. People were running because somebody alarmed everyone falsely that the line was leading to a wrong event. So, without any thinking, I already ran, literally jumping over people, and not minding if ever I would get lost or something. But thank Jesus; I managed to get in the right line again with my Pappa, Donita and Ate Ariane.

Along the waiting, I have seen different kinds of people; people who are very posh and mean, and who are very nice and positive. Some of the latter were:

L to R: Em, Caloy, (Ariane, Donita), Carla, Acel and Hazel

We had different lifestyles, stories and attitudes; however, we really got along well.

This was Hazel's second try to audition in PBB, while Acel is the girl that we let in our line because she said that she really wanted to get in. (and you know some times we, Christians, can't say no LOL). Carla is the posh Manila girl who shocked me since she said that she just went there by herself (and I was like, "like I couldn't even go to the nearest sari-sari store by myself! Salute, friend!") And those lovely boys over there, Caloy and Em, just met each other on the line, and decided to partner up. They were really really nice. :)

[still writing...]

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Dear Virtual Diary | #ScarredYetHealed

[still writing...]

Polla Shares: The Book of Maica

The Book of Maica is one of my favorite books in the Holy Bible, simply because it looks like that bedtime story that you would love to read to your babies – short and interesting. I used to read novels of Daniel Steels, and novels like my favorite, My Name Is Memory, but I thought why not entertain myself with those short books in the Bible like Hosea, Amos, Maica, etc. – not only I will be entertained, but also I will learn a lot of things that will definitely help me on my growth as a person and as a child of God. So, I did.

Morever, since I am learning MANY SIGNIFICANT LESSONS from it, I thought "why not share it with the people that I love?" So, I came up with an idea of while sharing it in my church, I am going to post it here on my virtual diary.

I pray that God will lead His people more through this story.