Dear Virtual Diary | Hating Myself Pt.1

"Overcoming Acne & Skinny Body Through Jesus Christ"

Pretty much the bios on all of my SNS accounts. However, I realized that the only thing that I should get rid of is the acne, and not my body. I've been wanting to have a body shape that is curvy and that is not petite (or skinny). I always thought that there are something wrong with my body and with me... that I needed to eat more hamburgers, have more frappes or have anything that is full of carbohydrates. 

Everyday, people will come to me like, 

"Hey, are you okay?"
"You are so thin!"
"You should eat more!"
"Are you on diet? Don't go on diet."
"Don't starve yourself!"
"You don't look good if you're skinny."
"Are you trying to be like the model in the magazines?"
"Take care of yourself!"

So, I hated myself.

I will constantly ask my college best friend, Kathleen Kleine, if I already looked bad or worse, looked malnourish, and she will always say that I looked great and that there is nothing wrong with me.

Getting Torn

As all of my family and close friends know, I have the greatest appetite ever. I used to eat almost everything on my plate, but when I started to have the acne breakout, I began to limit myself a bit from foods, especially with dairy foods, oily foods, chicken and seafood. I really do not know what to do. As much as I wanted to focus on gaining weight, I was concern also about my skin condition. I was really torn apart.

Thanks to my college best friend, I started to come up with an alternative. She persuaded me to go healthy by eating fruits and veggies every time, and by working out. That's why I started going to the gym, and also, I started to eat almost 10 standard cups of rice a day. I really thought I was gaining weight each day, but it turned out the opposite. I still had no curvy body, and I was getting skinnier. In short, my body still looks like a body of a 13-year-old girl... only by that time, it was a toner body of a 16-year-old girl.  

Again, people will come up to me like,

"Hey, you're getting skinnier and skinnier."
"You should stop going to the gym!"
"You should take care of yourself!"

So, I hated myself even more.

Bottled In

All this time, I was not happy. I did not want to have a skinny body, but a body like Marilyn Monroe's, Iskra's, Ms. Universe 2015 Pia Wurtzbach's, and FHM's most sexiest Filipina 2016 Jessy Mendiola's. I wanted to have a curvier body, or even just a chubby body because for me, it was the most beautiful type of body for a woman.

But at the same time, I felt that I have no rights to get upset of having a skinny body, because some people wants to have this type of body as well.

These people will be like,

"Your body is like those models."
"Your body fits any kind of trendy clothes."
"You should love your body."

I know that all of these people wanted the best for me, and they were all just trying to help me through the words they thought would help, but I couldn't stop it from decreasing my self-esteem, and it was difficult for me so I just bottled everything in.

Realization

But thank Jesus Christ, He made me realized something, and at first, it wasn't easy to believe and especially, to apply; but when I did, it gave me unexplainable peace and healing. These beautiful facts that I realized was that I am

FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY CREATED BY THE LORD AND ONLY FOR THE LORD;

and that even if I have a skinny body, and regardless of what everyone thinks of me, I am beautiful in my own way because God makes no mistakes. All He wants me to do is to love myself, and to continue my journey to be the best version of myself because I know that will bring glory to Him.

With grace and love,

Mirasol Grace

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